The Epic Quest of the Barbarian Jim of Cymru to Save the Iridescent Lady Flaps of the Fair Maiden Alex from the Spanish Inquisition

“What do you have to say for yourself now, fair maiden, Alexandrianna with the iridescent lady flaps – whom we will henceforth just call Alex?” The Cardinal stood next to the pyre and stared at Alex while three other men stripped naked so they could tie her to the large phallic-shaped staff in the center of the unlit pyre.

Stripping naked was a precaution in these instances because clothes were flammable and the only one they wanted to burn was Alex. Plus, they liked to compare the size of their meaty roseries and sometimes did penance with each other by seeing how many actual rosary beads they could shove up inside of each other’s wrinkled caterpillar holes.

“You have to let me go! I didn’t do anything!” Alex pleaded with her dark brown moon saucer eyes wide. She shivered in fear, and maybe she was a little turned on too. She’d always had a fantasy of being tied up and ravished by a group of middle-aged, pot-bellied, bald men. She felt a trickle of sticky nectar fall from her lady flaps. Maybe she could convince one of them to at least give her a stick to relive herself on before she died.

The Cardinal looked away, afraid to get caught in the swimming pools of lust dancing in her eyes. “So you deny the charges of fornication? Of adultery? Of..” the Cardinal met her eyes again and smiled wickedly. “..knocking on the Devil’s doorknob!?”

Alex was confused at first because she’d never knocked on the devil’s doorknob. She didn’t even know where to look for it. However, when the Cardinal leered at the junction of her magical forest, she figured he meant those nights she would ride her pillow to an explosive conclusion. 

“It’s not my fault my love cavern is full of magical wonderment that keeps men throwing themselves at me. I’m a single woman alone in a village full of hot young men, I have to find release somehow.”

“Enough with your Devil lies!” He tied a gag around her mouth and handed her to the naked men so they could walk her up to the top of the pyre and tie her up. 

Just when she thought all was lost, there was a loud bang at the end of the long aisle. Everyone froze and turned to stare at where the noise was coming from. There was another bang and the room shook as if in fear of what lay on the other side of the door. A third bang was heard and the door flew inward, landing halfway down the aisle in a rubbly mess.

“Stop at once or suffer the wrath of the shirtless and sexily oiled up barbarian, Jim of Cymru!” He stood, naked from the waist up and glistening in the candlelight. His lion skin loin cloth fluttered as his man club twitched in excitement. He menacingly brandished the large wooden club in his hand (his other hand) and let out a loud, but sexy, roar to intimidate the Cardinal. 

Alex was impressed. Jim’s massive chesticles shined beautifully as he flexed each one in a rhythm that made her clam shack quiver in a way it had never quivered before. She tried to call out to him for help but she was gagged so she just shook her obscenely large milk bags at him in an enticing manner that spoke to his manliness. 

“Stand back, barbarian! You are interfering with Church business!” The Cardinal turned to the naked men, stopping for a moment to admire their individual hanging sacraments and then said, “Quick! Light the pyre! We’ll send this witch back down to hell where she belongs!”

Alex’s moon saucer eyes got even more ridiculously wide. So big, in fact, that they almost took up her whole face now – the only thing bigger on her body than her eyes were her heavy front lumps which were so big no one really knew how she stood upright.

Jim the barbarian caught what Alex was throwing him and his flesh sword spasmed in anticipation of tasting her stench trench. He took huge breaths that were designed to inflate his massively muscled upper body in such a way as to scare lesser animals and then rushed down the aisle toward Alex. 

The naked men took the burning torches from the wall and started lighting the pyre. The flames rose high and threatened to engulf Alex. When they reached her body though, all they did was burn her clothes off, exposing her iridescence to everyone.

“Cover your eyes, brothers!” The Cardinal shrieked. Hoping to save himself from the magic of Alex’s sweet silken sugar pot. It was too late though, the flames had built up the fire within Alex and her mystical love cave beckoned the men to her. The only one who could withstand her magical pussy was Jim, and only barely.

The naked men crawled on their hands and knees over the firey pyre, desperate to taste the temptation but only succeeding in burning themselves to death. By this time, Jim had reached the Cardinal and took his wooden club (the one in his hand….his other hand) and cracked him over the head so hard it split like a juicy melon, splashing brain juice and blood filled with grey matter all over Alex’s naked body. 

Jim lept over the fire and embraced Alex against his slick chest. “Your magical meat stocking belongs to me now, fair maiden.”

“But I’m covered in blood and brain bits!”

“You mean sex ketchup!”

Jim the barbarian led the fair maiden Alex away from the fire. Grateful for her savior, she spread her legs and welcomed his lamb skewer into her hot cum cooker. With a mere five strokes, his spasming flesh sword had a dick aneurysm and he knew he was finally home.